Ignoring certain problems in my life (because), it’s been a really long time. I couldn’t think of an instance at the time, but now I recall an episode during my first post-college job in Santa Barbara. No, I didn’t do anything stupid, I just got really really steamed. There have been instances since then that others have felt that I should have been angrier (Beverly Hills Audi), or that I have felt others should have been angrier (San Jose Fairmont) but the lesson there is that different things push different buttons for different people.

I’m pretty “in control”, but I wasn’t always like this. Apparently I had a really bad temper as a young child. One of the defining moments in my life was when I was in third grade. During a presentation in the library, the presenter asked the students if they knew anybody with a bad temper and all my friends looked in my direction. At that moment, I realized I had a problem. I don’t remember those friends anymore (I moved, it was a long time ago, etc), but they played a very important role in my life.

That presentation was to introduce a new lesson plan that we’d be participating in as students. It was called “Project Self Esteem” (another link). Here is an abstract:

This guide presents Project Self-Esteem, a program for improving self-esteem and preventing drug and alcohol abuse in kindergarten through grade 6. Chapter I presents the team leader’s guide and discusses introducing the program to the principal, school staff, and parents. Chapter II focuses on kindergarten and includes lessons on being a friend to oneself, taking care of oneself, and being kind to others. Chapter III focuses on grade 1 and includes lessons on friendship, being a friend to oneself, taking care of oneself, and being kind to others. Chapter IV for grades 2 and 3 presents 12 lessons on realizing one’s uniqueness, gratitudes, compliments, stress reduction, communication skills, friendship, and cheating. Chapter V for grade 4 presents 11 lessons on realizing one’s uniqueness, goal setting, stress reduction, learning to memorize, feelings, self-esteem, communicating assertively, friendship, and stealing and teasing. Chapter VI for grade 5 presents 11 lessons on realizing one’s uniqueness, goal setting, listening, communication skills, working with anger, handling incoming anger and upsets, communicating assertively, learning about handicaps and listening, and stealing and teasing. Chapter VII for grade 6 presents nine lessons on social skills, social skills/choice making, assertive training, peers and conformity, friendship, alcohol and drug abuse, and introduction to junior high. Chapter VIII presents a teacher’s guide. Chapter IX presents the parent program. A bibliography is included. (ABL)

I really don’t remember the specific lessons much at all, maybe vaguely about “stress reduction” and “learning to memorize”. And I actually do employ something similar to the “stress reduction” exercise when I need to go to sleep but am too wound up. One lesson I do remember was related to anger management. It basically involved counting to 10 slowly after being angered. I don’t do that now, but the lesson was learned.

Back to the present, I told my friend that I felt that raging and throwing a fit was ineffective, inefficient, and only escalated the situation. She then called me “Spock”. Fine. But it makes sense to me. We’re all adults, and should be able to calmly work things out and admit mistakes when we make them. But in thinking about it some more, I may have overlooked a couple of aspects of throwing a fit.

• Communications is not done strictly through spoken or written word. Communications involves body language and actions. A calm response may be partially misinterpreted (there’s a really guarded phrase “may be partially”) as apathy (“he doesn’t care”) and/or meekness (“he’s giving up”). The seriousness and importance would then be underestimated.
• Admitting mistakes and compromising can often be taken as a sign of weakness. If one is “forced” to admit their mistake and arrive at a compromise, he may be unhappy and feel he has been subjugated. On the other hand, if the other admits their mistake they may be viewed as weak. “Sometimes it is better to win, than to be right”? Maybe I’m OK with admitting my mistakes because, as a programmer, I constantly make mistakes (there is a whole industry out there helping us track our mistakes (bugs) and looking for them (QA)). But perhaps others are not used to having their mistakes be so transparent. Different populations would have different value judgments for admitting mistakes and giving up position on them (WMDs?). Interactions should take that into account.

My parents divorced when I was starting high school (Hi Mom, Dad! Sorry.). They fought. Friends I knew had fights. Did that have an effect on me? Probably. At some point, I almost certainly said, “I won’t be like that.”

Shit. I don’t want to play these stupid games. Posturing. Social traditions. Whatever. Can’t I just leave this to sociology researchers?

I guess ultimately it comes down to communicating effectively.

As for the certain problems in my life, managing the emotional response and the rational response has been a challenge at times. It really isn’t about anger (maybe some of it is). More introspection is required.

Day 1

Day 2353

You practice. This thread follows one person’s journey from absolute beginner to master. After 6+ years of daily sketching and practice, he now shows in galleries and teaches art. Here is his website.

A lot of talented people have worked hard for their talents.

My putting. (If you’re viewing this through an RSS reader like Google Reader, you might be missing the pretty embedded graph.)

No, I’m kidding. I have been working on my putting (and I’m happy with my improvements), but I wanted to show you TallyZoo. I think we have a buzzwordy term along the lines of “Personal Information Platform”. But I just use it to count things. You can use the website or the companion TallyZoo iPhone app.

It kind of works well with the whole New Year’s Resolution business. I’m using it to track my gym visits too. It’s rather open ended with all the benefits and inconveniences that entails. You can use it to track pretty much anything, but specialized apps can probably do a better job in their niches.

There is definitely plenty of room for improvement. But I guess as the saying goes, “If you’re happy with your product, you waited too long to release.” Or something like that.

If you want to try out the iPhone app, I can probably hook you up with a copy. Or send you an iTunes gift card/code to cover the cost. Or something. You should obviously leave a ridiculously positive rating in return.

Businessy/money goals:

1. Increase my revenue by 20%. On a cash accounting basis, I ended up doing 10% more in 2009 than in 2008. This is less than I predicted a month ago. This is due to overdue invoices, etc. Bleah. I hate being effectively a bank and loaning money.
2. Reduce my dependence on my primary contract. This is slightly in conflict with the above, which just means I need to make more money from elsewhere.
3. Create a new (additional) revenue stream that is largely orthogonal to my existing revenue streams. In other words, not from iPhone (or similar) apps and not from freelance work. Preferably something that does not take too much time, and does not generate revenue in proportion to the number of hours I work (ie I’m not getting paid hourly or waiting on invoices). Should leverage my technical skills. Maybe I’ll set up a little web store or something. I do have one idea already. I’ll have to think about that a little bit more. Concern: is this diluting my focus? Or am I managing my risks and hedging my bets?
4. Release 3 or 4 more personal iPhone apps.
5. Double my savings.
   

More personal, non-businessy stuff:

1. Go to the gym 130 times in 2010. This is somewhere in between twice a week and three times a week. This should allow me to slack once in a while, and still keep me honest.
2. Work on remembering names. I suck at remembering names, in one ear and out the other. I don’t need to be one of those people that can hear a name once and remember it forever. I’ll settle with remembering for the rest of the night. I suppose I’ll do some research on memory techniques, and work on making a more concerted effort during introductions.
3. Move. Destination unknown. You know where I want to be.

I am certainly cynical in (many) ways, but in the end I am an optimist. I believe people will act selfishly and in their own self interest, but I also believe that most people generally will not go out of their way to harm another.

It’s been a tough year. And at times, when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it would get worse. But I was ever hopeful. I always hoped that things would get better. Well, almost. I may have temporarily lost “it” a couple of times, but every time after achieving equilibrium, I returned to my hopeful self. There were times I was depressed. Maybe even deeply depressed. But I always knew that the depression was fleeting and that it would get better.

The depression itself was insightful. I feel that my depression has given me a small window into the lives of others who suffer from depression.

When I watched “The Road“, I asked myself, “Who would I be, Viggo’s character, the hopeful one? Or Charlize’s, the hopeless one?” And most definitely, I would be Viggo’s. Though to be fair, many people would probably be hopeful at the beginning of an apocalypse, but their position (and mine as well) may change many years into one.

I can play the Devil’s Advocate, I can see the opposing views (usually). I give people the benefit of doubt. I trust strangers to be decent. I trust my friends to be good. I trust easily. And I’ll get burned for it once in a while. But that’s OK, because the good outweighs the bad, and I am rewarded when my trust and optimism are returned.

(Maybe that’s why I’m always running late, I’m optimistic about how much I can get done/how far I can travel in a certain amount of time.)

At least now my users won’t get random crazy lag between KEY_DOWN events and KEY_UP events which cause Front Row to scroll 100 items further than intended.

Anyways, months ago, I was watching Journeyman. Journeyman is about a guy that travels back through time trying to fix things (hah, where’s the line?). And as is fashionable, as the particular episode started to  wrap up, a trendy song started playing. I liked the song, and the lyrics caught my attention. The song was “Lucky Man” by The Verve. The words that caught my attention were: “Happiness / More or less / It’s just a change in me”. Was this the moment that I knew that my happiness was my choice? I’m not sure. If that wasn’t the moment, then it was just a happy coincidence that I heard the song at that time.

Yes, my happiness is my choice. However, at the time, I chose not to be happy. I chose not to be happy because I wanted to honor the commitment I had made to myself. I chose not to be happy because I was willing to give up my short term personal happiness for what I hoped were greater longer term gains. I am clearly no hedonist.

Is it time for me to choose differently? I’m not sure. Which means it isn’t quite time yet. But the fact that I am asking myself this, means that that moment is coming. It fills me with great sadness. I suppose when I think about it, having to choose between my happiness and my commitments fills me with sadness too.

My friend, Chris, told me something some 7+ years ago (I wonder if he still remembers, I’ll have to ask him). He said, “We choose what we want.” Fitting words then. And now.

Lucky Man by The Verve

Happiness
More or less
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just where I am

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?

But I’m a lucky man
With fire in my hands

Happiness
Something in my own place
I’m stood here naked
Smiling, I feel no disgrace
With who I am

Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just who I am

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?

I hope you understand
I hope you understand

Gotta love that’ll never die

Happiness
More or less
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my

Gotta love that’ll never die
Gotta love that’ll never die
No, no
I’m a lucky man

It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my

Two and a half years ago, I was flying high. I had a fat salary, some savings, no debt, all while being the sole provider in my relationship. My relationship had hit a bump in months prior, but we were heading in the right direction.

Two years later (right before my 30th birthday), I was living paycheck to paycheck, had basically “no” savings, and picked up over $10k in debt. And my relationship… it hit another bump or rather a brick wall this time.

What happened? I figured since I was no longer going to be the sole provider, I could afford some career risks. A friend (and mentor) cautioned me that if I was considering large purchases in the near future, it might not be wise. The next significant purchase was suppose to be a engagement ring. I figured the worst that could happen would be that I’d be out some money, and my life plans would be delayed by a year. Hey, it’s just money.

The gamble didn’t pay off, and I got complacent. Complacent with my career, and complacent with my relationship. And we never talked about either in the relationship. I remember ring shopping at one point. I was scared out of my mind. I had enough in the bank to afford many of the rings, but they weren’t what I wanted to give her. And knowing the trends of my personal finances (I’ve always kept a close eye on them), I knew it would basically wipe me out and (with an inconsistent cashflow) shortly thereafter it would have been difficult to cover the monthly expenses that I was responsible for. I never brought this up. I just somehow shrugged off the ring.

We did take a short vacation in the summer. I could spring for that, the risks were acceptable. But winter came and another trip was planned. Looking at my finances again, they were still trending downwards, and I could no longer risk the relatively small amount for the trip.

I don’t blame the failure of my relationship on my finances. But I can’t help but think how different my life would be if I didn’t take that gamble. I would have probably been able to buy the ring I wanted. I would have been able to go on the trip. I don’t question my decision. Because I still feel that it was the best decision based on the information I had, and my only downside should have just been a hit to my finances. Would I have regretted taking the chance or not taking the chance?

My finances obviously played no part in my complacency in the context of my relationship. I still did sweet things, but I did stop pushing the envelope. Those bold, sometimes embarrassing things I would do sometimes to charm/impress her? Fewer, and far less frequently.

Where am I now? In the last 6 months, my financial debts have almost been paid. I’ve built up a some savings. Financially, I’m not where I was 2.5 years ago. But once my debts have been paid, my savings should grow quicker.

The ring? Previously, I wasn’t an “active” saver. I just kept a close eye on finances, and generally spent less than I made, so I automatically saved money. However, it was slow and inconsistent. And when my cash flow dropped, saving became even slower and even more inconsistent. I remember asking a friend (who was a grad student at the time) how he managed to save up the money for his engagement ring. I understand now. I have to make it a priority (see the complacency thing above), and save “actively”. I’ve been able to save a lot more money in the last 6 months because I am paying myself first (by regularly transferring money into other savings accounts) and paying myself aggressively. Living “at home” helps too.

I also started picking up freelance contracts. I feel a little dirty, but when the shit hits the fan, you have to get your hands a little dirty sometimes. I could have started doing this earlier, but I didn’t and that was a mistake. Again, see the complacency thing. Overall, I’ll probably make an extra 20% this year from my personal projects and from freelancing. I won’t hit my previous salary, but I’ve only been freelancing for a couple of months. Would this have helped? I assume. Would this have changed things? I don’t know.

I guess part of the problem was that I was unable to balance the financial needs of living in the moment with the financial needs of the future. And both ended up suffering. I missed out on some of the moments, and I may have lost that future too. I now work on finding that balance. Though it’s hard for me to tell what the financial needs of my future are now because the future is murky. Hey, but I’ll have money when it hits me out of the fog.

So the lessons are:

1. Don’t be complacent.
2. Comunicate. Work as a team.

They seem obvious. They are obvious. I don’t know. I don’t know why I didn’t see it. Maybe it’s something you can’t be told and you have to learn for yourself. A truly, truly expensive lesson. Oh, what I would give to have a “do over” for the last couple of years. I’d be fine with just the last year even, when the problems came to head. I saw the symptoms early enough before the problems really bit me in the ass, but instead of communicating and fixing the causes, I let the symptoms get to me. Yes, I should have handled it differently.

What’s next? Pay off this toll/sentence/karmic debt on my relationship and get it all back on track. Maybe I’ll volunteer overseas or something.

There is no shame in failing. Only in quitting. And ultimately, you only fail when you quit.

My personal philosophy revolves around self awareness and honesty, in particular, self honesty. Know who you are, and who you aren’t. This helped me a lot when I was in school studying. How can someone study effectively if he isn’t aware of what he knows and what he doesn’t know? Applied to life, it allows you to navigate through challenges and life in general. Though, what you choose to do with that knowledge is up to you. You can use your knowledge to avoid weaknesses, or you can use that knowledge to confront weaknesses head-on. And to be honest, I would probably tend to avoid my weaknesses. My better half helped me grow by showing me that I could also confront my weaknesses.

Part of the self honesty aspect is being true to the person you are. Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you’re afraid to say something, ask yourself why you’re afraid to say it. If you’re afraid to do something, ask yourself why you’re afraid to do it. If what you have in mind is offensive or wrong (and you know it), choose to change yourself instead of just shutting up (“Solve the problem, not the symptom.”). If your position is simply unpopular but not wrong, then the only change is to be confident in your position and not be afraid of presenting it.

My philosophy works well for me in part due to my ego and my self confidence. My confidence works in strange ways. I feel that it is harder to be honest with yourself, and share that honesty than it is to fit a stereotype. In other words, I feel that it is “manlier” to show weakness then to pretend. No doubt, there are times where you need to “man up”, but to the people in your day to day life, to the people close to you and the people that matter, there is no need to pretend to be someone else.

Part of my self awareness now is that I am, and we all are, of two minds — an emotional and a rational. I can rationalize all day long. I can understand things from various logical perspectives, or accept other viewpoints (both rational and emotional), but sometimes that will not appease the emotional mind. What the emotional mind wants is not always rational. I am who I am, and I choose what I want (however I arrive at that decision). I accept the duality, just as I accept that I have strengths and weaknesses.

Golf, amusingly, works its way in too. For me, golf is the struggle between your ideal self and your real self. Do you play the big shot that requires a perfect swing? Do you play conservatively, within your game? Or does that imply a lack of confidence? I have not found that self awareness and self honesty on the course yet.

Nobody is perfect, and everybody know that. There is no fault in having weaknesses.

My new favorite app for the iPhone is Waze. I would describe it as a crowd sourced satnav app. I guess kind of like web 2.0/user generated blah blah for GPS. Dash but for the iPhone and a little cuter.

Traffic and incidents get sourced from users driving around. Routing is also sourced/optimized by users driving around. Map errors, point of interests, etc all sourced from users. Unfortunately, because it is “crowd sourced”, to get really good it needs to reach some critical mass. It’s been around in Israel for a while longer, so it supposedly works very well there and has many fans. So for now, it is an “meh/OK” turn by turn GPS app. But it is free which kind of makes up for it. What is cool though is that to promote people to drive around with the app running, Waze acts as a real life Pac-man. As you drive around on unverified roads, your little avatar thingy eats dots and earns points. I guess I’m easily entertained.

UI-wise, I think it needs a little help in the address searching and POI lookups. Voice prompts for turn by turn instructions is supposedly in the pipeline.

And the name. I love the name. Ways + Maze = Waze. Easy to pronounce, easy to spell. Short. Multiple connotations with path finding.